Therapy Homework

I have been quite conscious of the fact that relationships take work for a long time and I really started being more thoughtful in graduate school when I noticed many of my relationships suffering. I lived far from home and really did not give them the attention and care they deserved. My initial thought was to just research and do better, which helped. Not enough though.

In seeking help lately, I was given the homework to be more assertive and express how I am feeling. Additionally, I need to keep others accountable for what they say or promise to me. It is really breaking an unfortunate habit I have created. And as I write this I am thinking about the fact that I am the gal who is constantly working on herself.

I am not perfect and I never can be, but I want to be a kind and thoughtful person. This homework though, while I feel it is thoughtful… I feel so unkind at times. I am struggling with this part of the homework. I know it is necessary to tell people what you need, however, I feel conflicted with relying too much on others. It takes a lot of reminding myself that sometimes the kind thing to do is to be blunt and clear.

At this moment I feel like I have put too much faith in what I was told, which is why I need to work on keeping them accountable. Everything I am being promised right now for both scenarios of how things could work out, they need to be followed. I can not let anything slide anymore. I am what is at stake here.

I would love to hear the kinds of homework you or a professional have given you to work on. Or maybe your working on the same thing as me, how do you feel you are doing? Right now, I would give myself a B-. I just need to pause to think more before saying, no I do not need anything.

This Mother’s Day Goes Out To All Women

By the end of this year I will have 1 niece and 5 nephews and no children of my own. I am not about to ask people to pity me, this is more about empowerment through sharing your story. As I have stated, I have infertility. I first started feeling like I really want children at the age of about 28, maybe 29. So 5 years ago. I knew it would not be easy and after a procedure, getting off the pill and doing everything I was told to do to regulate my cycle, I still have infertility.

I feel done with crying. I know there is a chance I may never be a mother. However, I still have hope. I just scheduled a midwife visit, since I now have insurance. I know I am not a good candidate for IVF and I have heard stories from many women lately about their struggles to get pregnant or even adopt. I feel like there is still more I can do and I know my life can provide something.

It has been a joy to welcome my niece and nephews into my life. I do not care that some folks tell me that the children of my cousin who I grew up with like a sister and my best friend of over 20 years, are not my niece and nephews. I am close to them and I love them. Even if I am not able to have children, I have these wonderful kiddos in my life. I send them books and see them grow and have all sort of hopes and dreams for them. Dreams of them being completely happy.

This Mother’s Day, I am thinking about all women. Those I know who are mothers, those I know who have lost their child(ren) due to miscarriage or tragedy, and those of us who want to become mothers, but it is not as easy as we once thought it would be. Happy Mother’s Day and may the beautiful children we are blessed to be apart of their lives grow up to be incredibly happy.

Hormonal Update

I mentioned that I had a cycle in September, but then things were quiet for a couple months. Nothing happened in October and I only spotted for a few days in November. Exactly one month after spotting in November, I got an early Christmas present from mother nature. I was pretty happy and finally felt like I had an update to provide on the matter of my hormones.

All I have done was stop working out and focused on managing my anxiety. I have not full on binge ate since November. I did not gain a single pound over the holidays, but that could have been due to the food poisoning I experienced on Christmas day which made it impossible to really eat much for a week. However, I feel different when I am full. I keep thinking that I can not imagine putting anything else in my mouth. I just stop eating because I am full and not in an uncomfortable way at all.

My anxiety has mainly been due to not letting things go and avoiding things. I have avoided issues, such as responding to questions regarding planning my wedding when I am not even engaged yet, and tasks that for some reason seem daunting, such as completing a written sample that was requested of me. Of course, avoiding these things ends up increasing my stress levels.

One of my faithful readers who is a dear member of my extended family and my partner have provided me with much help. Telling me to go with the flow of the visit or family gathering and to remain calm with people or I will just be projecting my anxiety onto others. I do not want my anxiety to sabotage my life and hormones. It has not been easy, but what is? I am getting there the best way possible and enjoying it.

 

Motivation and Body Image

I want to be completely honest with this blog and Wednesday morning I watched a YT video that made me realize that I was leaving out part of my story. I mentioned that I gained weight and I know I can get back on track. I had gotten up to 31 lbs heavier than a year ago and slowly it is coming off from the hard work I have been doing. Hard work being saying no to all the fried food and sweet temptations.

Motivation has been challenging. I see myself struggle to walk as much as I use to or put on size 12 pants I have not fit since early 2015. I have had times where I looked at my body in disgust and that action disturbed me because I know I deserve to treated better than that including by myself. Its so funny, 4 years ago it seemed like I was going through all these exact same emotions. I had just completed an internship at the end of August 2013 and then started a job in November 2013, which brought my spirit back to life.

Now, I may not have just started a new job, but within the last 2 weeks I have been seeing a upswing in my overall well being. I really needed this. I use to feel beautiful and sexy at this size. I know others see me that way too. Last weekend, I started to see it again. Granted initially I was trying on all the dresses I own to wear at the family wedding this weekend, but once I found one that would work I looked at my legs and thought, “I have nice legs” I smiled.

It is just proof that whatever may be going on, you have to remember to be there for yourself and love yourself as you are at that moment. Loving yourself is not this smooth easy going thing, just like our lives. I am still working on giving myself the love I deserve and keeping motivated during this period of healing and change. This stumbling is just part of the process to getting back on track.

Nothing, I Feel Like Doing Nothing

Honestly, this time off of work and activity has been both good and bad. I have had a chance to relax, de-stress and spend time with loved ones. I have had a lot of time to help my partner prepare for interviews, research the areas we might move to, look into places I could potentially work and develop future plans. I also have had the opportunity to just do exactly what I would like.

Lately however, I do not know what I feel like doing or feel like doing nothing. This is an unusual feeling for me. It worries me too because being active regularly supports my happiness. Walking, yoga, running, working out and even just dancing around my apartment are things that are part of who I am. I have not been doing them and I worry about what that means. Is this a sign that I am depressed or taking a turn toward that direction?

I went for a walk yesterday. A long walk, 5 miles. I forced myself to do it and I was glad I did, while also telling myself I was miserable. I think part of the reason I felt that way was because I had to watch all these other folks on the river path doing what I use to do, run. Being active was the way I de-stressed and boosted my mood. It has been difficult to do so without it and I know my partner is tired of my wining.

I have been venting to him about my feelings and concerns. I am fortunate to have someone who listens to me even when I know I am being irrational. I am also lucky to have friends and family who support me. Maybe this is just a low time in my life and I need this to rest up for all the changes we will experience this Spring.

I am going to continue to push myself to go for walks and try to play some music to get me moving around the apartment more because it makes me feel like more than nothing.

Bulking is the Worst

I mentioned a while back that I had been bulking, see that blog post here. I was trying to build muscle and thought I should try bulking because to gain weight as muscle or fat, you must eat more. So I figured the best time to try it out was over the holiday season when I would be eating more anyway. Unfortunately, I do not have the healthiest relationship with food, particularly sweets.

From indulging in sweets over the holiday season, I went right back to my sugar addicted ways. Worst part was I was trying to hide it from my partner. Granted I did not try hard hide, all he would need to do is walk out into the kitchen and there I would be standing over the pint of ice cream. These unhealthy habits were not aided by the anxiety I was feeling from the transitions going on in my life.

Thus, my digestion has been up and down all 2017. I say bulking is the worst mainly because I did it wrong and allowed myself to develop a mindset of, “oh it is ok if I have this extra food because I am bulking.” The extra food should have been extra produce or grains or protein, not cupcakes, pints of ice cream, cookies and fried foods. I am not sure if I will try bulking ever again. I really just want to get back to eating when I am hungry and stopping when I feel satiated.

When my cycle is back to being regular and I feel I have regained a healthy relationship with food I would like to gain muscle again, but we shall see when life takes me. 😉

 

What I Ate This Week (9/14 – 9/20/2017)

Our last day in Austin I know I was getting sick and indeed I became sick. Started feeling back to normal a week after the trip ended. This was relatively healthy, but I have been feeling kind of down from the fact that I have gained back all the weight I lost in 2015. My amazing friends have reminded me that I am beautiful and its a journey.

Breakfast

Peach zucchini bread and mango ginger kale smoothie with SCOBY – I really enjoyed that smoothie before our trip and had the correct ingredients to make it again so I did, but I added some SCOBY to it. My SCOBY had a lot of babies and I really needed to reduce the amount of SCOBY in my kombucha brewing, so I looked up uses for your excess SCOBY and adding it to a smoothie was an option. Done. Breakfast for the week.

Lunch

Animal Fries – I baked fries without oil on a silicone mat and made vegan nacho cheese.

Chicken broth with Mary’s Gone crackers and Hummus – I was pretty sick after the trip so this was nice for my throat while not horrible for me.

Tomato and Mozzarella flatbread

Vegetarian steamed dumplings with peanut butter cinnamon pear slices

    

Dinner

BBQ Jackfruit Pizza

Chips, Guac and Vegan nacho cheese – I like to make my own chips by cutting up corn tortillas and baking them. A lot less fat and cheaper than a bag of chips since a pouch of 30 tortillas is 34¢.

Split pea potato curry with homemade Naan – I made the curry in the Instant Pot and may have cooked it too long, but it only affected the texture. It tasted great still.

Dessert/Snack

Chocolate ice cream – because I feel I need to confess to the bad stuff at the beginning. Now that the ice cream is all gone, no more buying clearance ice cream. Yep, you got that right. I kept walking down the ice cream aisle at Meijer and finding Nadamoo, SoDelicious, Jeni’s, Coohaus, etc. on clearance to make room for new flavors or other ice creams and this sucker just went, “When would I ever be able to buy this for $2 ever again!!!” Then proceeded to buy one of each clearance flavor. All the ice cream is out of the freezer now. So that habit must die.

RXbars/Larabars – Hopefully I can stop this dessert habit and save these for road trips and other travel we have planned this Fall.

Fruit – Mango, Pears, Peaches, etc.

 

Why I have stopped working out. Period.

I have amenorrhea, meaning I have not been getting my menstrual cycles. This start almost 2 years ago. I was on the seasonal birth control pill and I thought I was pretty happy with it until I developed vitamin deficiencies, low libido, PMS and my period slowly with each cycle completely disappeared. After 2 cycles of the pill without a period, I was freaked out enough to think about how important the pill was to me.

I know not having a menstrual cycle can be a negative sign of a lot of things. Not only that, but I am 31 and want children within the next few years. So my doctors have run numerous tests, confirmed that I have not been ovulating and we have tried to force a period with progesterone, but with my insurance coverage ending, now it is the time I try something I felt hesitant about doing.

I stopped all weight training and running as of August 18th. I am not just laying around. I can walk, do yoga (not Bikram intensity though because cardio is off limits) and I got the thumbs up to ride a bike to the market about once a week. The thing is my stress levels have been high for a while and the energy I am getting through food consumption has likely focused on healing my muscles after my workouts to make me stronger instead of healing what has gone wrong with my hormones.

My hesitation came from not having bounced back yet from that bulk I did (though I figured out that bulking/cutting are just not for me), worrying about losing the strength I have gained #gains and feeling like my workout routine is part of my healthy lifestyle. I was told to refrain from medium to high intensity workouts until my cycle has returned consistently for 3 months… O_O Then I can slowly get back into working out.

Although I will miss my workouts, resting and de-stressing is important for my health at this time. During this healing period I need to stick to eating micronutrient dense foods = loads of vegetables. Easier access to the farmer’s market and being reunited with all my kitchen tools will be my resources, then this blog will be my accountability. Yes, I will be checking in regularly.

I am thinking this will be something I post in addition to my regular Sunday posts. Like a what I ate this week kind of post with some notes about my activities. My doctor said healthy desserts are fine (my bestie has no idea how much I am about to use that raw desserts cookbook she gave me), but keeping highly processed foods and eating out to a minimum (1 – 2 times per week at most). This works for me and our current budget, of course this will also keep me healthy.

If you have any words of wisdom when it comes to healing PLEASE share them in the comments below! Stay healthy my friends.

Farmer’s Market Inspiration

Since my move, I have been enjoying the local farmer’s market a lot more. This farmer’s market is open 3 – 4 days a week YEAR-ROUND! I love it! Plus, it is so close to our apartment that I can bike to it in about 20 – 25 minutes. With this amazing resource, we have been eating plenty of vegetable-heavy meals and I thought I would share them with you this week.

Baked Beans on Roasted Potatoes with a Soft Boiled Egg

For this, I roasted 2 potatoes sliced into wedges, soft boiled an egg and made Brand New Vegan’s Baked Beans in our new Instant Pot, but I substituted 1/4 cup maple syrup for the 2 sweeteners in the recipe. It was plenty sweet for us with half the amount of sweetener and we both felt that the Costco maple syrup was a great addition to the flavor. I picked up the potatoes ($1/lb), peppers (50¢), onion (50¢) and free range eggs ($1.75) from my farmer’s market. The navy beans I was able to grab from the co-op down the street from the market. All you need to do is pour 3/4 – 1 cup of the beans over your potatoes and slice your egg over the top.

Peach and Blueberry Chia Seed Pudding (as seen on Instagram)

Chia seed pudding is so easy and perfect for the days I commute 2 hours to work. To make it I just grabbed an old glass peanut butter jar I use for storage now and put one chopped peach, an ounce of almonds, 2 tablespoons chia seeds, 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, 1 cup unsweetened soy milk and filled it the rest of the way with blueberries. Shake it up really good and let it sit in the fridge overnight for a great breakfast in the morning. The peaches ($2.75 for a peck), blueberries ($3/lb) and raw almonds ($5/lb) are from the market.

Mixed Fruit and Yogurt

Another way we have used the new Instant Pot was to make yogurt. We could not believe how easy this was, nor how much better it was than store bought yogurt. Yes, it does take time, but it is mostly hands off time and you can make it while you sleeping or are at work. I enjoy taking a cup of yogurt and adding in peaches ($2.75 for a peck), nectarines ($2.75 for a peck), cherries ($3/lb), blueberries ($3/lb) and whatever fruit I get my hands on at the market.

Chinese Five Spice Veggie Balls with Zucchini Over Ramen Noodles

This is the one dish took work, mainly because it was the first time I prepared it and I made it up from different recipes I found online. I was trying to make veggie balls like the ones you can get at IKEA, but with an asian flare. I used 1 cup leftover brown rice, 1 cup cooked beans, 1/2 cup nut meal (this, oats and rice are great options to make meat ball or meat loaf type things gluten-free by the way), a chopped onion, a chopped red bell pepper, 1/2 cup corn, 1 cup chopped kale steamed, 2 tablespoons ginger, 1 tablespoon garlic, a lot of spices and salt and pepper to taste. I recommend picking up a Chinese 5 spice mix to simplify things.

Then, I sautéed the vegetables with the spices and then combined the beans and vegetables in the food processor for a few pulses. Using a cookie scoop, I made 1 inch balls and baked them at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, making sure to rotate/flip them half way through. I placed them with some roasted zucchini over ramen noodles tossed with hoisin sauce, sesame seeds and green onions. Its not the prettiest, but for my first try at making these they were not too bad. I have some adjustments I plan to make. I picked up the onion (50¢), pepper (50¢), corn (5 ears for $1), zucchini ($1 for a 2 ft long zucchini), green onion ($1 per bunch) and kale ($2.50 per huge bunch, its double the size of the bunches I have picked up from Whole Foods) from the farmer’s market.

Chickpea and Eggplant Burger Salad with Tomatoes, Beet Hummus and Chèvre

I picked up romaine (3 heads for $1), eggplant ($1), tomatoes ($1 for a basket of 5 medium sized tomatoes), beets ($1 for 5) and locally produced chèvre ($8 for 8 oz) from the market to recreate the burger I told you about from Atlanta. I decided to put it into salad form though because they were out of the bread I love and I got a sweet deal on some romaine.

I started by soaking 1 cup dried chickpeas for at least 24 hours. In a food processor, I pulsed my well soaked chickpeas, 1 cup nuts, handful of fresh parsley, a few sprigs of fresh mint, 1 tablespoon cumin, 2 tablespoons lemon juice and salt and pepper. I formed the mix into 6 burger patties and baked them on a lightly grease baking sheet until golden brown on each side, I think it took 20 min on each side.

While the burgers were baking I made beet hummus by steaming 1 lb. of beets in the Instant Pot. Then I added the peeled steamed beets to a food processor with 2 tablespoons tahini, 2 tablespoons lemon juice and 1 tablespoon cumin to blend until smooth. I then assembled the salad with the romaine, chopped tomatoes, dollops of beet hummus, crumbled chèvre, balsamic vinegar and the burger crumbled on top.

Mushroom and Kale Dip

The market has a great mushroom ($4 bag which varies in size based on type of mushroom) stand so I saw this as a brilliant opportunity to recreate a dip my friend brought to one of my last bingo nights before I moved. We had this with cheese and crackers for lunch one day. To make this I tossed cooked beans and lentils, lemon juice, salt, pepper, poultry seasoning and sautéed mushrooms, kale and onion in a food processor and pulsed until it was a gritty hummus like consistency.

I will try to add the other picture on Instagram or to this post this week. I would love to hear and see your farmer’s market creations in the comments below or tag me on Instagram! 🙂 #FarmersMarketInspired

To end this post on a very real note, there is also a Jamaican vegan bakery one day a week at the market and this week I enjoyed a bag filled with mango passionfruit goodness in the form of something they called Caribbean tear drops. YUM! No picture because I inhaled before I even left the market. 😉 They reminded me of these Cuban pastries my mother-in-law gave us once, a pocket of juicy flavor in a small pocket of crispy pastry. ❤

 

Travels – Atlanta

Recently, we traveled to Atlanta to meet the newest member of our family, our nephew. It was a great trip. We really miss this little person we just met and hung out with for only a few days. ❤ He loves to be sung to, found ice shaken in a cup to be the funniest thing in the world, and is growing way too fast. We are in love and have to get back to Atlanta ASAP! So glad we were able to make the trip and focused on getting to know the little one. Here is the break down of this trip.

Fitness

Walking and a little yoga or stretching was mainly the only exercise during this trip. Our nephew loved to just be carried around in a upright position, but you had to keep moving! I walked hundreds of circles around the varies levels of my in-laws home just to keep him smiling. Additionally, we took a short walk as a family, I took a morning walk one day (the beautiful flowers above I spotted everywhere that morning), I stretched before bed each day and yoga one morning. The trip was an active rest break from my typical workouts.

Activities

With our nephew being so young and hating being in the car, we primarily hung out at the house or did things close to the house. We arrived in the morning on the first day. We ate lunch at the house, went for a short walk, played with some toys, picked up take-away from an Asian fusion restaurant and then passed out early from waking up at 3 AM to catch a flight.

Day two, I went for a hour long morning walk and returned to enjoy breakfast with the family. Until lunch we mainly just chatted and played with baby in between each of us getting ready for the day. We went out for lunch and to Target, then returned home to chat and play more until baby’s bedtime. We ended the day playing Wits and Wagers and chatting before getting some sleep.

Day three was pretty chill as well. I did about 20-30 min of yoga in the morning, ate breakfast with the family, helped my sister-in-law keep baby distracted in the car while we picked up groceries, ate lunch, played and chatted with baby, ate dinner, and played card games before bed.

Last day, I only had enough time to enjoy breakfast with everyone before heading to the airport. I took the MARTA, which offered me some beautiful views of Atlanta on the way to the airport. This trip is a good example of different priorities than most vacations. I was there to make memories with our newest member for our family and loved every bit it! He has already grown so much since he was born and we cannot wait to see him again this Fall during a family wedding in New Orleans.

Food

Thankfully, my sister-in-law is a nurse and keeps things pretty healthy. Breakfast was hard boiled or scrambled eggs with avocado/cheese and salsa. Lunches at home were simple salads and our lunch out on day two was at Grub Burger Bar where I got the Hippie Chickpea burger. It tasted like falafel with all the Mediterranean sides on top, YUM!And yes, I also got a combination of onion rings and sweet potato waffles fries because it was my treat while I watched others down milkshakes. ;^P

Dinner was homemade from scratch bolognese over spaghetti and buffalo chicken and black bean nachos loaded with more veg than you would expect (corn, olives, greens, etc.). Day one, we picked up Doc Cheys, where I chose a sesame noodle special they were having at the time. It was very delicious and I was able to get it with tofu as my protein.

We did not really eat dessert or snack while we were there, since the meals were so filling and we were busy with getting to know our nephew. I felt like the chill environment and focus on creating memories as a family kept me from doing the typical vacationing with family eating… a combination between loss of appetite, over indulging too much and eating when you are not hungry because they are relentlessly offering you food no matter how much you say no. Any one else have this problem?