Not the Year Any of Us Had Planned

Last we spoke it was March 2020 and the pandemic was just beginning to restrict our lives in the States. I had been dating someone for 2.5 months. I was officially divorced. Life was “getting better”.

I did not date that person for much longer. The pandemic brought out all their red flags and I walked away from it. The scarier part was realizing it felt the same way as it did when I started dating my ex.

I talked to some other people, only to come to the conclusion in May 2020 that I probably was not ready for all this and I was really wasting these folks’ time. I continued to talk to 2 of them with the idea we would be friends only to see that it was never going to be in the capacity that I wanted friendships.

I had to be honest with myself about a lot of things. Things I did not want to admit to. It was time to face the head and heart work.

I have been solidifying what I want and expect from people. I’ve also been getting a life. I bought a kayak. I hiked and kayaked a lot this Summer. I am still hiking. I have been taking some classes and focusing on learning new things.

What I feel now is comfort and joy with myself. Its good to make time to see people, but I am finding joy in time and space to myself.

So essentially, this last year was hard, but not the worst year of my life. I can see that a lot of good came from it and it may have been the year I really needed verses the one I planned it to be (traveling a lot, getting back out there, tattoo, more piercings, etc.).

My goals for 2021, likely will not all happen, but they look like:

• Buying a place of my own
• Finding more of me
• Working on my friendships
• Learning as much as possible
• Keep reading
• Exploring new hobbies
• Taking care of my body

Everyday is a different thing, so live it however you can towards bringing you peace and joy.

Life is different in 2020, in a good way

Did I tell you I still might allow things to post before completing them (Sorry I did not complete it until Tuesday)… Did I tell you I moved… Did I tell you my divorce papers are signed… Did you know I kind of started dating…

So rewind to late December, I left New York state on the 21st and made it to my hometown by the evening of the 23rd. Just in time for Christmas with my family. I got a job back in Michigan though so I was enjoying that time with my loved ones there before moving back to another place where I have a support system. It was great. All the love was exactly what I needed before starting over on my own again.

Shortly after moving back to Michigan, my divorce papers were signed and submitted to the NY state court. While I do not have the divorce decree yet, things are feeling more final and like I can move on. I will be changing my name back to my maiden name and I at this time feel that I will not change it ever again. I had started to feel some grief over missing my name and feeling like being called Mrs. ______ just felt off.

Additionally, shortly after moving I met someone and we are taking it slow, the slowest I have ever taken things. So far so good. I had a few concerns and we talked them over. It was a very different conversation than I have ever had with a guy… It is refreshing. Even if it does not work out, this was good to experience right out of a long poor relationship. I like him and feel uncomfortable with dating this soon, but he keeps surprising me and I am not letting it hold too much weight.

Overall, I am much happier. Things are pretty good. I have some grief I am dealing with from my grandmother passing and being an adult can be stressful sometimes, but life is still good.

 

Healthy Goals

I’m so far off the bandwagon that I can not see it anymore. So here are my goals…

• Reduce sugar intake because holy sh*t am I addicted and it is making me eat more (scientific fact).
• Intense workout 4 days a week and yoga almost every day if not every day, of course, I am going to work my way up.
• Move more, I find myself rarely getting up from my desk…. so so so bad. I should take a walk once a day and add it to my calendar each morning.
• Get to bed by 10 PM. Sleep is essential!

It is not a lot, but it is a start.

Uncertainty

A lot of my life right now feels uncertain. I will be moving in less than 2 weeks. I have only one Christmas present purchased for my niece (well 3 if you count a care package and my Reddit Secret Santa). I am waiting to hear back from an interview. I was rejected from half a dozen jobs this week.

I know that I have wonderful family and friends supporting me right now. I know I have a place to go no matter what happens. I know I need to get the rest of my sh*t packed up. My hope is that life comes together the way it always has in the past.

So bare with me… I may f*ck up a bit on posting.

Extended Weekend in Michigan

My second post that I did not complete, but was posted… oops!

I went to University of Michigan for graduate school and therefore lived in Ann Arbor for 4 years. No regrets. I love Michigan, not just the school, but the state. It is a beautiful and unique place full of sports and gorgeous scenery 😉

I have been planning a trip back for years. I left in 2013 and my excuse for why I did not come back sooner… lame. I let someone else impact my actions, not anymore.

I landed earlier in the day and explored Detroit with my friend from High School that met up with me there. Eastern Market is amazing. Bell Isle has crazy views of Detroit and Windsor.

 

I went to Theatre Bizarre to see a friend who was preforming and enjoy a relatively crazy night out in one of my favorite cities. I have fallen for a new band, Bella’s Bartok, and may try to see a full show here in NY state before I leave.

The view of Detroit from the Masonic temple is gorgeous…

Day 2 was sent in Ann Arbor, taking my friend around campus and meeting up with a couple of my dear friends from graduate school. Just had to stop a Sweetwaters, Zingerman’s, Sidetrack and Busch’s… 🙂

 

My last day was spent applying for a job through my cellphone… let me tell you… editing your resume and writing a cover letter and definitely be done via your mobile. Then we road tripped to Hell, MI and Frankenmuth, MI and I need to go back. Michigan has a plethora of adorable towns. Go, you will not regret it.

The day ended with my favorite sushi roll ever, the Phoenix roll at UMI sushi in Ann Arbor. The roll of my dreams the last 6 years.

See you again soon Michigan…

Striving to Heal in a Challenging Time

I am trying to spend as much time with friends as possible, as I have no family in the area and most of my support system lives in the Midwest. I am so lucky to have friends here. My ex does not, and it shows in how they are taking this.

People care about me and I want to make sure I return to being the human I feel they deserve to have as a comrade. I love sharing in their moments of joy, spending quality time together, and being there for them. I love them, oh so much. I set up an appointment with a therapist.

It will be a very good thing. I enjoy working on myself and I have never had the individual attention to fully do so. And with things still blowing up… I need to start with this. Then start the divorce process and I leave. I can not fully heal in this place. So leaving is a must.

I will be back to see the beautiful souls who have done what feels like everything for me the last few months, I am talking to you A. I was meant to come here to meet you. Thank you can not express how blessed I feel to have you as a friend. I love you.

I noticed I have a lot of close friends with A names… Maybe I should start believing in signs. Off to see 2 close A name friends from grad school tomorrow. I can not wait to scare the crap out of A… *sneaky grin* I have to make it back home to my A-girl too, her hugs bring me back to life. The A’s have me… and some M’s, some K’s, a L and a P. #SoCryptic #IAmLoved

An Era of My Life Comes to a Close.

I ended my 10 year relationship with my partner.

Even before the weekend in Cooperstown, NY, I knew I would never feel the same way again and was just a bundle of nerves about the thought of ending such a long relationship. The relationship, however, turned out to be nothing like I thought it was and my partner became a stranger to me so quickly. Things over 2019 had become so strained. Then I uncovered a 10 year old lie, which led to me learning of more lies from over the years.

This is what I have been going through.

While I have to carefully navigate the legal termination of this relationship and continue to cohabitate until I figure out a new plan for my life or at least what my life will look like for a little while. I assume it will be finding a new job that has a salary and benefits. I will move to an area I have wanted to live for a long time and where I have more of a support system.

It scares me that I was financially dependent on someone else for the past 2 years.

Finally making my decision concrete has made me feel like life can finally start moving forward for both of us. I have spent years feeling like it was my responsibility to carry the relationship and to make all the sacrifices for our future, which only made me resentful. Additionally, over the last 2 months, I felt so guilty because this human is dependent on me and I put myself in a situation where I allowed poor treatment.

It will take a lot of time and work on both our parts, but life will be good again.

Taking a Leap

I applied for a job. It feels like I just took a huge leap, toward thinking about myself. The friends I have opened up to have all been asking me about my future and what I want… at first I did not know, but with each moment I have had to myself I am reminded what I wanted when I first began graduate school (thank you journal for keeping my deep inner thoughts and dreams) and what has changed about me as a person since then that impacts my desires.

I want to be working, that has never changed. I want a career that brings me joy and fulfillment, again never changed. I want to travel and be active, also has not changed. I want to be loved as much as I love. I want to visit my family more often and be closer to them, this what I truly miss about the middle of the country. I want at least a child, but only if my partner is the right person to have one with.

I wondered if applying for this job was a good idea, it was. Regardless of the outcome of the application, I did something for myself. I reconnected with my ambition for the first time in nearly 10 years. I let a relationship manipulate and change me in ways I never thought I would let happen. Sometimes it can be good to change, but in this case, I was perusing a future with someone who hesitated each step of the way.

I made compromises and sacrifices to my whole life, my future while they thought only about themselves. I worked on the relationship alone. I forgot about the vows I made to myself before they came into my life. And while you should not live in the past, you have to think of your future with or without that person. What do you want?

“You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.”
― Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

I am not okay, but I will be

Recently I had one of the worst weeks of my life and definitely the worst week of 2019. I am not ready to talk about it at this time. On top of it, I worked 6 full days in a row that week. It was a lot. I still feel not okay.

What is going on has returned me to the mentality that I had when preparing for my qualifying exam in my PhD program, life will continue forward regardless of the outcome of this trial I am experiencing. To cope, I have made small goals for myself, such as smiling as much as possible, dance again like I did for years around my apartment and try my best to deeply focus on work. If it was not for the wonderful people I have in my life… I am just reminded of how fortunate I am.

They have been my rocks during this time. They listened to me cry, made me smile as much as they could and reassured me of my strength. I can not possibly thank them enough for what they have done for me. It has been a tough few weeks. But they are absolutely right, I am strong and I will come out of this stronger.

Reconnecting With My Love of Sports

I love watching and playing sports and I really have not done enough of either since moving from Chicago. Seeing St. Louis Blues winning the Stanley Cup, something I was never sure I would see, reminded me how much I have missed sports.

Baseball is my favorite sport to watch, but hockey has definitely made a come back. I have been trying to catch all the Cardinals games I possibly can since writing about my goals a few weeks ago. I am also still obsessively putting on my Binnington jersey, that I purchased to celebrate the Blues first Stanley Cup, everyday and I am eyeing the schedule for 2019-2020.

Additionally, I am going to make it to a Yankees and Mets game before the end of the season because I need to check out all the MLB stadiums. Currently, I am only 9 for 30… ouch. If I can get into the double digits by the end of the year that would be brilliant!

Playing sports though, has been more challenging to pick back up. Soccer holds my heart there and always will. The thrill I would get running down the field to dislodge that ball out from under my competitor, there is nothing like it. Defense was my primary position, since I am usually bigger than the offensive players. I think I should buy a new ball and find a field to get my toes wet again.

How are y’all keeping to your goals?