Not the Year Any of Us Had Planned

Last we spoke it was March 2020 and the pandemic was just beginning to restrict our lives in the States. I had been dating someone for 2.5 months. I was officially divorced. Life was “getting better”.

I did not date that person for much longer. The pandemic brought out all their red flags and I walked away from it. The scarier part was realizing it felt the same way as it did when I started dating my ex.

I talked to some other people, only to come to the conclusion in May 2020 that I probably was not ready for all this and I was really wasting these folks’ time. I continued to talk to 2 of them with the idea we would be friends only to see that it was never going to be in the capacity that I wanted friendships.

I had to be honest with myself about a lot of things. Things I did not want to admit to. It was time to face the head and heart work.

I have been solidifying what I want and expect from people. I’ve also been getting a life. I bought a kayak. I hiked and kayaked a lot this Summer. I am still hiking. I have been taking some classes and focusing on learning new things.

What I feel now is comfort and joy with myself. Its good to make time to see people, but I am finding joy in time and space to myself.

So essentially, this last year was hard, but not the worst year of my life. I can see that a lot of good came from it and it may have been the year I really needed verses the one I planned it to be (traveling a lot, getting back out there, tattoo, more piercings, etc.).

My goals for 2021, likely will not all happen, but they look like:

• Buying a place of my own
• Finding more of me
• Working on my friendships
• Learning as much as possible
• Keep reading
• Exploring new hobbies
• Taking care of my body

Everyday is a different thing, so live it however you can towards bringing you peace and joy.

Gratitude

With Thanksgiving this week, and I usually try to do something big within my practice of gratitude. However, this year with how tough things have been. I want to write about the importance of this everyday practice of mine.

Appreciation can have a big impact on your relationship with someone. Even when its just in a customer service transaction. Here are just a few reddit posts I have upvoted:

• https://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/8zufzg/underestimating_the_power_of_gratitude_recipients/
• https://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/b0u98b/the_power_of_gratitude_in_the_workplace_being/
• https://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/a9ns7g/if_you_feel_thankful_write_it_down_as_it_may_be/
• https://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/3prgzx/the_power_of_thank_you_a_key_ingredient_to/
• https://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/20e7vc/recipe_for_a_happy_life_less_materialism_more/

Spreading and receiving gratitude makes me feel good and connected to those I love and care about. It impacts all the areas of your life: family, friends, colleagues, neighbors and community. I did not grow up with all this gratitude, but when I saw first hand in early adulthood the power of it, it had to become a practice. I feel like it comes more naturally out of me now.

Reflecting on the recent events of my life, lack of appreciation greatly led to the end of my relationship, the lies uncovered were the guillotine as they made the lack of love so apparent. Showing appreciation could have turned things around… for a time, but in the end I feel I am better off not in that relationship. There were many other issues I was blind to. This year, I am working on appreciating myself and seeing all the love I already have in my life.

If I Believed in Signs

I feel like through this divorce process things that I feel are coincidental are slapping me in the face left and right. Mainly because of being in this situation I am noticing things that relate to how I am feeling and what I am thinking. If I believed in signs who knows what I would be doing right now, most likely making poor or rash decisions.

Here is the thing with signs, yes it may seem like they are telling you to do something or make a particular decision, BUT coincidence are common. Also, if you are in a crazy time in life, you are just going to notice that kind of sh*t. The probability that a “sign” will happen is highly likely then. I studied physics and therefore statistics, they are merely accidental happenings occurring all the time and are in no way related to major life choices you are making.

However, for fun… let us look over the signs I have noticed as I am going through this big life change.

• Colorado ads have popped up everywhere I go and suddenly we have had a lot of visitors from Colorado at the museum, from the exact day things turned for the worst in my relationship. I have desired to live in Colorado since Summer 2008 when I had an internship in Boulder. Every time I go back to Colorado I yearn to be there.
• Music that so perfectly expresses how I feel has been releasing, such as Sam Smith’s How do you sleep?, Post Malone’s Goodbyes and Selena Gomez’s Lose You to Love Me.
• A lot of people from my past (friends, professors, colleagues, etc.) are experiencing break ups and posting things on social media that directly related to the issues my partner and I had.
• My wedding band fell apart. It had a wood inlay with resin over it to keep it secure. Within a week of the events that made my life feel like it was imploding, the resin popped all around the ring and the wood started shifting. The weekend before I broke up with my partner it just fell out.
• My fertility got the all clear from my doctor (which I did not tell my partner about) when my partner began to make statements like, “I guess we should get started on having kids because we are behind everyone else, ” and “Well, we need to have kids so that someone can take care of us when we get old.” Not valid reasons to have children, but he could have also been scared. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
• A now friend who considered me, “just a hook up,” added me on Snapchat around the time I started considering divorce (end of May). Coincidentally he has connected with me in some way every time I was on the verge of breaking up with my partner. He also lives in Colorado, yet another coincidence.

What does all this mean? Nothing. It just makes you think. Thinking is good. None of this made the decision for me. This process is not easy and following signs make it all the more stressful. Love from friends and family is essential for moving forward and I highly recommend as many hugs as possible. Hugs make me feel like the problems are melting away.

Extended Weekend in Michigan

My second post that I did not complete, but was posted… oops!

I went to University of Michigan for graduate school and therefore lived in Ann Arbor for 4 years. No regrets. I love Michigan, not just the school, but the state. It is a beautiful and unique place full of sports and gorgeous scenery 😉

I have been planning a trip back for years. I left in 2013 and my excuse for why I did not come back sooner… lame. I let someone else impact my actions, not anymore.

I landed earlier in the day and explored Detroit with my friend from High School that met up with me there. Eastern Market is amazing. Bell Isle has crazy views of Detroit and Windsor.

 

I went to Theatre Bizarre to see a friend who was preforming and enjoy a relatively crazy night out in one of my favorite cities. I have fallen for a new band, Bella’s Bartok, and may try to see a full show here in NY state before I leave.

The view of Detroit from the Masonic temple is gorgeous…

Day 2 was sent in Ann Arbor, taking my friend around campus and meeting up with a couple of my dear friends from graduate school. Just had to stop a Sweetwaters, Zingerman’s, Sidetrack and Busch’s… 🙂

 

My last day was spent applying for a job through my cellphone… let me tell you… editing your resume and writing a cover letter and definitely be done via your mobile. Then we road tripped to Hell, MI and Frankenmuth, MI and I need to go back. Michigan has a plethora of adorable towns. Go, you will not regret it.

The day ended with my favorite sushi roll ever, the Phoenix roll at UMI sushi in Ann Arbor. The roll of my dreams the last 6 years.

See you again soon Michigan…

Striving to Heal in a Challenging Time

I am trying to spend as much time with friends as possible, as I have no family in the area and most of my support system lives in the Midwest. I am so lucky to have friends here. My ex does not, and it shows in how they are taking this.

People care about me and I want to make sure I return to being the human I feel they deserve to have as a comrade. I love sharing in their moments of joy, spending quality time together, and being there for them. I love them, oh so much. I set up an appointment with a therapist.

It will be a very good thing. I enjoy working on myself and I have never had the individual attention to fully do so. And with things still blowing up… I need to start with this. Then start the divorce process and I leave. I can not fully heal in this place. So leaving is a must.

I will be back to see the beautiful souls who have done what feels like everything for me the last few months, I am talking to you A. I was meant to come here to meet you. Thank you can not express how blessed I feel to have you as a friend. I love you.

I noticed I have a lot of close friends with A names… Maybe I should start believing in signs. Off to see 2 close A name friends from grad school tomorrow. I can not wait to scare the crap out of A… *sneaky grin* I have to make it back home to my A-girl too, her hugs bring me back to life. The A’s have me… and some M’s, some K’s, a L and a P. #SoCryptic #IAmLoved

An Era of My Life Comes to a Close.

I ended my 10 year relationship with my partner.

Even before the weekend in Cooperstown, NY, I knew I would never feel the same way again and was just a bundle of nerves about the thought of ending such a long relationship. The relationship, however, turned out to be nothing like I thought it was and my partner became a stranger to me so quickly. Things over 2019 had become so strained. Then I uncovered a 10 year old lie, which led to me learning of more lies from over the years.

This is what I have been going through.

While I have to carefully navigate the legal termination of this relationship and continue to cohabitate until I figure out a new plan for my life or at least what my life will look like for a little while. I assume it will be finding a new job that has a salary and benefits. I will move to an area I have wanted to live for a long time and where I have more of a support system.

It scares me that I was financially dependent on someone else for the past 2 years.

Finally making my decision concrete has made me feel like life can finally start moving forward for both of us. I have spent years feeling like it was my responsibility to carry the relationship and to make all the sacrifices for our future, which only made me resentful. Additionally, over the last 2 months, I felt so guilty because this human is dependent on me and I put myself in a situation where I allowed poor treatment.

It will take a lot of time and work on both our parts, but life will be good again.

Therapy Homework

I have been quite conscious of the fact that relationships take work for a long time and I really started being more thoughtful in graduate school when I noticed many of my relationships suffering. I lived far from home and really did not give them the attention and care they deserved. My initial thought was to just research and do better, which helped. Not enough though.

In seeking help lately, I was given the homework to be more assertive and express how I am feeling. Additionally, I need to keep others accountable for what they say or promise to me. It is really breaking an unfortunate habit I have created. And as I write this I am thinking about the fact that I am the gal who is constantly working on herself.

I am not perfect and I never can be, but I want to be a kind and thoughtful person. This homework though, while I feel it is thoughtful… I feel so unkind at times. I am struggling with this part of the homework. I know it is necessary to tell people what you need, however, I feel conflicted with relying too much on others. It takes a lot of reminding myself that sometimes the kind thing to do is to be blunt and clear.

At this moment I feel like I have put too much faith in what I was told, which is why I need to work on keeping them accountable. Everything I am being promised right now for both scenarios of how things could work out, they need to be followed. I can not let anything slide anymore. I am what is at stake here.

I would love to hear the kinds of homework you or a professional have given you to work on. Or maybe your working on the same thing as me, how do you feel you are doing? Right now, I would give myself a B-. I just need to pause to think more before saying, no I do not need anything.

Taking a Leap

I applied for a job. It feels like I just took a huge leap, toward thinking about myself. The friends I have opened up to have all been asking me about my future and what I want… at first I did not know, but with each moment I have had to myself I am reminded what I wanted when I first began graduate school (thank you journal for keeping my deep inner thoughts and dreams) and what has changed about me as a person since then that impacts my desires.

I want to be working, that has never changed. I want a career that brings me joy and fulfillment, again never changed. I want to travel and be active, also has not changed. I want to be loved as much as I love. I want to visit my family more often and be closer to them, this what I truly miss about the middle of the country. I want at least a child, but only if my partner is the right person to have one with.

I wondered if applying for this job was a good idea, it was. Regardless of the outcome of the application, I did something for myself. I reconnected with my ambition for the first time in nearly 10 years. I let a relationship manipulate and change me in ways I never thought I would let happen. Sometimes it can be good to change, but in this case, I was perusing a future with someone who hesitated each step of the way.

I made compromises and sacrifices to my whole life, my future while they thought only about themselves. I worked on the relationship alone. I forgot about the vows I made to myself before they came into my life. And while you should not live in the past, you have to think of your future with or without that person. What do you want?

“You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.”
― Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

Practicing Self Care

With feeling like life is not all together, I am glad I took some time last month to get back into some self care. I needed to do something for myself. I took a long break from working out and doing any extra stuff that cost money. I am always trying to save as much as possible without losing my mind.

Some self care is easily done on a budget. For instance, I really do not mind giving myself a manicure and pedicure because its very cost effective and I have all the supplies. Last month, however, I spent some money:

• I got my brows tinted.
• I got my first underarm and Brazilian wax treatment.
• I got a real haircut from a salon where the stylist actually knows how to cut curly hair.

These were not cheap, but since I liked the results from the wax treatment, I got a wax pass through the European Wax Center. I also tried to extend the brow treatment as long as possible by picking up better products for filling in my brows and growing them. I am actually going my 2nd time today, so that is about 6 weeks between visits. I had not worn any makeup for 6 months, so it took some getting back into the groove of things.

Then the haircut, which was the most expensive per visit… I am hoping I can get away with maintaining it every 4-6 months, rather than the every 3 my stylist recommended. Also, that was the longest I ever spent in a salon and I feel like I just do not have time for that. The haircut was really the best cut I have ever had though.

I know I do not need to do these things, but it felt good to do something for myself for a change. I do not know if I will keep them up forever, but they are helping me deal with life for now.

Habits That Have To Go Right Now

Over thinking. I did it a lot in my teens and early twenties. I do not need to get back into it.

Rushing to wash my dishes before work.

Buying snack foods we like just because they are on sale.

Waiting around to see if someone will join me for an activity.

Overly planning out meals for the week, it is nice to get out once or twice a week or just eat something basic.

Worrying about the status of my fertility.

Daydreaming, its a serious time sink.

Getting snippy with my partner because he got snippy with me due to the stress he’s been under. It just does not help the relationship to reciprocate in that way.

I evaluate my habits regularly. My goals in life are generally surround by being happy and a decent human being. However, I know that I can pick up little motions here and there that can hinder achieving or maintaining my goals. I think I am going to be more open about my goals again next week because I feel like it has been too long since I really thought about them. My recent journal reading and writing has me rethinking some changes I made in my late twenties. Its time to dive deeper into my long term goals.