I applied for a job. It feels like I just took a huge leap, toward thinking about myself. The friends I have opened up to have all been asking me about my future and what I want… at first I did not know, but with each moment I have had to myself I am reminded what I wanted when I first began graduate school (thank you journal for keeping my deep inner thoughts and dreams) and what has changed about me as a person since then that impacts my desires.
I want to be working, that has never changed. I want a career that brings me joy and fulfillment, again never changed. I want to travel and be active, also has not changed. I want to be loved as much as I love. I want to visit my family more often and be closer to them, this what I truly miss about the middle of the country. I want at least a child, but only if my partner is the right person to have one with.
I wondered if applying for this job was a good idea, it was. Regardless of the outcome of the application, I did something for myself. I reconnected with my ambition for the first time in nearly 10 years. I let a relationship manipulate and change me in ways I never thought I would let happen. Sometimes it can be good to change, but in this case, I was perusing a future with someone who hesitated each step of the way.
I made compromises and sacrifices to my whole life, my future while they thought only about themselves. I worked on the relationship alone. I forgot about the vows I made to myself before they came into my life. And while you should not live in the past, you have to think of your future with or without that person. What do you want?
“You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.”