Taking a Leap

I applied for a job. It feels like I just took a huge leap, toward thinking about myself. The friends I have opened up to have all been asking me about my future and what I want… at first I did not know, but with each moment I have had to myself I am reminded what I wanted when I first began graduate school (thank you journal for keeping my deep inner thoughts and dreams) and what has changed about me as a person since then that impacts my desires.

I want to be working, that has never changed. I want a career that brings me joy and fulfillment, again never changed. I want to travel and be active, also has not changed. I want to be loved as much as I love. I want to visit my family more often and be closer to them, this what I truly miss about the middle of the country. I want at least a child, but only if my partner is the right person to have one with.

I wondered if applying for this job was a good idea, it was. Regardless of the outcome of the application, I did something for myself. I reconnected with my ambition for the first time in nearly 10 years. I let a relationship manipulate and change me in ways I never thought I would let happen. Sometimes it can be good to change, but in this case, I was perusing a future with someone who hesitated each step of the way.

I made compromises and sacrifices to my whole life, my future while they thought only about themselves. I worked on the relationship alone. I forgot about the vows I made to myself before they came into my life. And while you should not live in the past, you have to think of your future with or without that person. What do you want?

“You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.”
― Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

Practicing Self Care

With feeling like life is not all together, I am glad I took some time last month to get back into some self care. I needed to do something for myself. I took a long break from working out and doing any extra stuff that cost money. I am always trying to save as much as possible without losing my mind.

Some self care is easily done on a budget. For instance, I really do not mind giving myself a manicure and pedicure because its very cost effective and I have all the supplies. Last month, however, I spent some money:

• I got my brows tinted.
• I got my first underarm and Brazilian wax treatment.
• I got a real haircut from a salon where the stylist actually knows how to cut curly hair.

These were not cheap, but since I liked the results from the wax treatment, I got a wax pass through the European Wax Center. I also tried to extend the brow treatment as long as possible by picking up better products for filling in my brows and growing them. I am actually going my 2nd time today, so that is about 6 weeks between visits. I had not worn any makeup for 6 months, so it took some getting back into the groove of things.

Then the haircut, which was the most expensive per visit… I am hoping I can get away with maintaining it every 4-6 months, rather than the every 3 my stylist recommended. Also, that was the longest I ever spent in a salon and I feel like I just do not have time for that. The haircut was really the best cut I have ever had though.

I know I do not need to do these things, but it felt good to do something for myself for a change. I do not know if I will keep them up forever, but they are helping me deal with life for now.

Home With My Family

Yesterday, I arrived in St. Louis, MO, my hometown and it could not be more of a perfect time to spend with my family. I really need their love and support right now. While I am so thankful to have a great friend in New York state, I really needed the love from my family too. Additionally, I feel my heart growing with 3 new nephews to cuddle with. Keep the deep hugs coming y’all!

I am not okay, but I will be

Recently I had one of the worst weeks of my life and definitely the worst week of 2019. I am not ready to talk about it at this time. On top of it, I worked 6 full days in a row that week. It was a lot. I still feel not okay.

What is going on has returned me to the mentality that I had when preparing for my qualifying exam in my PhD program, life will continue forward regardless of the outcome of this trial I am experiencing. To cope, I have made small goals for myself, such as smiling as much as possible, dance again like I did for years around my apartment and try my best to deeply focus on work. If it was not for the wonderful people I have in my life… I am just reminded of how fortunate I am.

They have been my rocks during this time. They listened to me cry, made me smile as much as they could and reassured me of my strength. I can not possibly thank them enough for what they have done for me. It has been a tough few weeks. But they are absolutely right, I am strong and I will come out of this stronger.