Thought Cleanse


I am having a moment of intense contemplation and I just have to write it out. Not all of this is a complete thought… 😛

I am a person who is influenced by the people and world around me, especially in day to day decisions like what I am craving to eat. I also have a strong desire to improve myself. I feel these are both good and bad qualities about myself.

At the best times, I gain a lot of inspiration and motivation from my interactions or experiences. I get a lot accomplished in short periods of time and have confidence (a feature I would say I am typically weak in, but try to not show it). I started this blog at a time when I was on a high note or when I felt like life was as perfect as it could be.

My high notes have always correlated with having at least an hour a week devoted to socializing outside of my work environment, 2 hours a week of additional physical activity (meaning outside my walking to and from work or cleaning the house type of movements), great sleep for about 8 hours a night and a variety of tasks available to work on. I thrive on feeling like I am part of a community and having others to work with in person. As I write this I realize how key some of these points are for interviewing, but these thoughts do not have that intention behind them. These things make me feel good, connected and stimulated.

Of course, who the hell has the endless high life or can maintain perfection constantly. I attempt to do my best at scheduling or making time for these essential things for my happiness, but it just does not always work out the way I plan. My minimums are harder to describe, they are moments in life when it is off in some way. Like when I have nothing to do, no where to go or lack of any happening (like work, school, projects, etc.) for weeks to months at a time. Or when I have way too much time to focus on myself.

On a walk I took earlier this week (I feel like when I am walking is when I do my best thinking), the times when I am alone often (living alone, solo work project for several months, lacking social events, always eating unaccompanied, etc.) correspond to these lows in my life. I feel like I can do things unattended (like go to a movie or eat lunch at the bar in a restaurant) and sometimes I feel I need some solo time, but consistently having days with minimal face to face interactions may be the means to my not feeling as though I am myself or “living my best life.”

I started thinking about all of this because a few questions family and friends asked me lately that felt as though they were expressing concern for me. One of them involved my weight gain. While it was not what I consider polite, I do think it is interesting how I thought I felt completely comfortable with myself until someone investigated why I stopped running and “let myself go.” Other questions may have been innocently expressing a worry, but I started to doubt my feelings and thoughts about myself. Which lead me to wonder why my confidence drops so much when questioned by others.

Though I have always felt that going on a walk is therapeutic, I have wanted to find someone to talk to about things like my lack of confidence. I have tried to work on my confidence for years, but feel that I can not achieve the level of confidence I wish I had on my own unless everything in life is great. I know I might be able to use something like BetterHelp, but I want to make sure I am taking the best route. Please let me know if you have any advice!


3 thoughts on “Thought Cleanse

  1. Mark Hudson says:

    Knowing you as I do and reading this episode of your blog, I think that you summed the whole thing up in the first couple of lines, and summarized it well in the final paragraph.
    You say that you are influenced in your decisions and thoughts by the interaction of those around you. Then you say that you want someone to talk to about your lack of confidence.
    Confidence is actually SELF confidence, so why not discuss it with yourself, in an introspective kind of way, and leave others out of the process. DON’T allow others around you to control what is going on in your head, it is not there “problem”, and is actually not a problem at all unless you allow it to become one.
    You are a very smart, constructive, energetic, attractive, etc., etc., etc. person so why should you open the door for others to negatively influence you?

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s