Fighting Negative Feelings

When I lost weight 2 years ago I got rid of my largest pair of pants. At the moment I could probably use those pants because I am being stubborn about buying any new clothes even though I only have 2 pairs of pants that really fit. Yesterday I even ripped a pair of pants trying to get them on. I immediately thought, “I am so fat.” Negative thoughts like that have crippled me in the past. I do not want to be crippled by a bit of weight gain and pants that rip.

On the positive side, I have officially had 3 consecutive months with a cycle! I have been doing short yoga sessions 6 days a week and walking 2-3 times a week. I have been eating when I am hungry. I have been increasing my vegetable intake and reducing my junk food intake. Chocolate is the item I can not resist, but I am working on making my own chocolate with coconut oil, cacao powder and maple syrup. Well, what I am really going to do is make Take 5’s with a pretzel, date caramel, natural peanut butter and my homemade chocolate. 🙂 Its really good.

I am also getting busy. With my volunteering and reading, this week I was out of the apartment the most I have been in months. With my 3rd consecutive cycle, I can slowly start working out again. This week I am going to do a couple short body weight routines I use to do. At least an upper body and a lower body routine. I am very excited because I miss feeling strong and working out.

I get to see my family soon. I feel like I have a wonderful relationship with my partner. He scheduled his defense for the end of March and we are going to New York at the end of April to look for a place to live. So why should I let a negative thought sabotage all the amazing things I have going for me?

Refocusing My Negative Efforts

I do not want to be negative. This week I was reminded of a time when I can be quite negative and felt like I was wasting my energy doing so. I think valentine’s day a bullshit, commercial holiday, which causes people to focus way too much on what is not important (high expectations for “expressions of love”). Maybe this negativity toward this holiday is not just due to commercialism, but also from many poor experiences in my past relationships.

An ex-boyfriend put so much pressure and expectations on this holiday with anticipating his favorite chocolates in a larger package than the previous year, something made from the heart in the same manner as he would compile special mix CDs for me and a expensive meal out even though we were both struggling to pay college tuition. The important thing to him was that it top the previous year. When I did not meet his untold wishes I only felt horrible and stressed out from his harshly expressed disappointment. I see this theme with many couples each year.

Frankly, I feel we should show love everyday and a couple who are committed to one another should clarify early on in the relationship what they need to feel loved. My partner and I were honest from the git go the anxiety this holiday induces in us and do not celebrate valentine’s day. Although it was a few years into our relationship that we had a chat about what we need to feel loved, we do not regret our choice to disconnect ourselves from it.

I would would say my only regret is how I have been rude to others who wish my a happy valentine’s day or have something to say about our choice to not celebrate. I want to handle that differently. Sure it is not great having someone tell you, “You are ruining the holiday for the rest of us!” However, I know that is not true. Then, I can wish them a good holiday and be done with it. I want to take more opportunities to be a good person.

Hope everyone enjoyed Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday, Valentine’s day, Lunar New Year or whatever they had going on this week!

High blood pressure

My partner went to the doctor recently and his blood pressure was right on the edge of being high! Scary, but it means we have to take action pronto. He will be back to the doctor in just a few months and we hope this will be improved. I have very had an unhealthy blood pressure recorded, but hearing his was high made me feel just as nervous as if my own was.

I immediately looked into what we could do to lower it and found these resources:

First of all, we rarely drink alcohol or caffeine, so those could not be the issue. Currently we do not even have any alcohol in the apartment and the only caffeine around is the chocolate he refuses to cut back on. His stress load will not be reduced with his defense getting closer and closer and sleep still eludes him as an insomniac. So those suggestions not much more can be done about. Especially since sleeping pills or melatonin supplements either have too strong of an effect or do not seem to make one once of a difference for him.

My partner is a VERY sedentary person and only likes the outdoors in small doses. He loves to just chill on the couch in front of the TV as much as possible and works in front of a computer much of the time. We are opposites in may ways and this is one of them. I have to admit that I have been pressuring him less than usual to get up and get outside with me because he is so stressed about completing his PhD.

So we plan to get him moving a bit more. He has started dancing occasionally for a 1 minute or more when the game he plays has a good beat going on. He is also trying to walk a bit more, even if it is just to check the mail or take out the trash. He does not really want to be fit or as active as myself, but he realizes that being more active could help him stay healthy.

I already do not make salty meals and since we eat from home most of the time (we eat out maybe once every 2 weeks, maybe). However, working on getting him to eat more veggies and less peanut butter M&Ms is the goal. Often he will push vegetables to the side or put them on my plate or even just tell me not to bother putting them on the plate at all. I think I just have to begin preparing them the way he likes them best (except for frying, I just am not doing that and he knows it), then eventually add in salads and veggie heavy bowls in our meal rotation.

Hopefully with these changes we will see an improvement with his blood pressure at his May appointment. He is not making huge changes, but even his doctor said start small and with someone who is so resistant to change like my partner we are doing just that.


Hormonal Update #2 (100th blog post!)

Another month, another cycle. This makes me pretty happy! It makes the lack of workouts and effort into resolving my disordered eating feel rewarding. It motivates me and makes me want to plan! I keep thinking about if I get just one more cycle I can slowing return to being my more than average active self, track my cycle to determine my fertile days and just feel like a woman.

I am proposing that I start off with going for a 45 minute walk 3 times a week with short (15 minute) body weight training sessions 3 – 4 times a week. Since I am working toward walking at least 1-2 times a week now and slowly getting back into yoga, it seems like a reasonable strategy. I of course will continue progressing with yoga because that activity is incredibly beneficial for me.

I will likely move at a pace of changing things up after each cycle. Not just because in my head it sounds smart to only make changes if my cycle is still occurring, but the specialist said that would be a good indicator that my body is doing OK within the first year of my cycle being back. Although, I have a lot of hesitation in even saying all of this because what if I do not get my cycle in February and feel like I have jinxed myself. I am doing my best and cannot regret that.